i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
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Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
She puts the hot in psychotic
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber