ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
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birds and squirrels envy us
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore