DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
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How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.