I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
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Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken