*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
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my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
I like crazy people until they notice me
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.