Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
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I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
A dead goose is called a ghoost
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?