middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
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me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.