GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
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i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.