My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
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*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Geez man, take it easy.
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
seems fine
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong