I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
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[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
The asteroid..
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?