One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
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Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible