I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
You Might Also Like
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.