[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
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*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
The Compass
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.