The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
You Might Also Like
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?