Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
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Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
This has made my week.
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi