Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
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[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
first you must answer his riddles
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
marvel comics have peaked
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.