5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
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Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
🐕🍷
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging