You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
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Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
it’s finally my moment to shine
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.