Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
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[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.