Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
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If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.