Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
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I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
The only good comments section online is on recipes
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.