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“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
It be like that sometimes 😆
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
Story of my life…..
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
The best shot in the history of golf
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.