Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
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I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”