Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
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The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?