You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
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[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom