I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
You Might Also Like
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas