I’ve had worse
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I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
Livid.
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there