I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
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Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?