Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
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Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.