a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
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Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
Cool shirt 🙂
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.