Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
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What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
kitchen magnet
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us