Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
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TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.