‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
You Might Also Like
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?