TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
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Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?