Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
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When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
much to think about
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time