i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
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If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”