A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
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I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*