Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
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FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
the clam before the storm
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.