I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
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5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.