ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
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Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.