My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
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If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man