OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
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Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
Natural selection at its finest
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”