Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
You Might Also Like
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating