Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
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Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
Passwords are more important than ever.
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!