Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
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If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
White Castle for the Win
I wish I could veto my bills.
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin