*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
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Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.