This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
You Might Also Like
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man