A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
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Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
Mountain Goat : )
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!