young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
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Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
Me as a therapist: omg same
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.