I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
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Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
Bed should get ready for ME
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa